The Lies and Foes of the Election

A poem all about the entertaining highs and lows of the 2024 UK election.

Rishi pronounced all drenched in rain,
Our chance to vote had come round again.
With six weeks ahead of electoral fun,
Those empty promises could run and run.

Our leaders posed as keen football fans,
Each claimed the other had no plans,
They assured us we wouldn’t pay more tax,
But were rather vague when asked for facts.

For once, the parties were all agreed,
Our public services are in dire need –
Be it care homes, prisons, or our great NHS.
Yet how to fix them is anyone’s guess.

Ed Davey’s approach was to pull lots of stunts,
With paddleboards, slides and various punts,
Big grins and waves when he managed to float,
Symbolically seeking those buoyant votes.

More gentle steps were taken by Keir,
The risk of mistakes his greatest fear,
But after fourteen years of Tory rule,
Losing this would take quite a fool.

Sunak claimed he knows all about poverty,
Thanks to a youth without paid for TV.
And those head-to-heads seemed worth a try,
Til he endlessly told the £2,000 lie.

The gaffes as always were extra grand,
Would Diane Abbott be allowed to stand?
How on earth could Rishi abandon D-day?
As for those bets, what price will they pay?

Each manifesto was launched with much pride,
Long lists of pledges to help us decide.
The polls predicted a huge Tory defeat,
With half the cabinet losing their seats.

As more Tories fled across to the right,
Farage couldn’t help but steal the limelight.
When Reformers’ racism went overboard,
He did a Trump, said the report was a fraud.

The debates all turned into bitter fights,
Terse interruptions and rehearsed sound bites;
‘Don’t surrender’ became Rishi’s favourite phrase,
While ‘chaos’ and ‘change’ filled Starmer’s days.

And so the news cycles went round and round,
Measuring who was losing most ground,
Then at last we found out, after all that,
It’s Keir who’ll be feeding Larry the Cat!